I wrote just some snippets of what I was thinking and feeling in the days after Max died. I read them at the next MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting at our church the Tuesday after Max died because I wanted to share a lot of stuff with the women there. I also didn’t want people to feel that that couldn’t ever talk to me or that I was the woman who’s son died and ssshhhhh don’t talk to her. So here it is and its not necessarily going to make sense but I thought I’d post it anyway.
Looking back God has been preparing our hearts and minds for this for a while.
Max was innocent! He will never know how awful and broken this world is! He has a great life! He lived every day full throttle with complete joy! He wasn’t kidnapped and murdered. He passed away in his sleep! He wasn’t scared or alone! God wrapped his arms around him and took him home.
I am thankful for Max being diagnosed with epilepsy last September. It caused me to slow down a little bit, take more time with him and Molly, being willing to read another book, not get as frustrated when milk would get spilled or a tantrum would happen. Also I didn’t want Max in MOPPETS (childcare during MOPS meetings) because I didn’t want him to have a seizure and have me not be there. So my mother –in-law who I adore offered to stay home with him on Tuesdays. And they had a ball together! So Max and Betty had this very special bond. Also I went to my parent’s house in Kent every Monday night so Max and Molly could really know my parents. I am so thankful for that. My sister got to babysit Max a lot so she also had a special bond with him. Kelly’s grandma who I also adore was able to spend the night after Max’s third birthday party on April 27th and got to play with him and Molly.
My husband Kelly was supposed to be in British Columbia Thursday morning but his passport was expired so he was on Mercer Island instead and when I called him was able to get home in 20 minutes.
I am thankful to God for giving me the free will to realize that I had a drinking problem and choose to ask him for help to lift it from me. And he DID. Now I don’t have guilt that Max ever saw me drunk and was scared or that I was passed out and he cried out for me in the middle of the night but I didn’t hear him.
Kelly and I can’t blame each other for Max’s death. He passed away straight into Jesus arms while he was asleep! I didn’t have to watch paramedics try to resuscitate him and have a shred of hope that he would come back only for him to not.
I would tell Max, “I have secret for you.” He would excitedly say, “What?!” I would whisper in his ear, “I love you.” Then I would say, “I have another secret for you.” He would again ask, “What!?” Then I would say, “You’re my favorite boy.” He had never said that he loved me on his own until early last week. We were playing
—–Whenever Max would get an owie we would usually pray for God to heal it. He would tell me, “God is healer! God is healer!” and not let me put Aveeno on his eczema on his wrists. So now I need to believe my baby that God IS the healer of all and that He will heal me.
We have Molly! So I get her as therapy every day and she smiles and laughs. And I have to eat well so I can feed her.
Also I have two choices I can shrivel up and die so I can go to heaven asap to be with my baby or I can choose God’s joy.
I’m mad at what happened and would do almost anything to change it but God is already using Max’s death for good.
I chose in the last six months to start staying home more from play dates so Max, Molly and I could just play with each other.
Also my husband had been working from home a lot in the past few weeks so they got to play together more than usual.
On Wednesday Max woke up with a very snotty nose. We were “supposed” to go visit a girlfriend of mine in Woodinville that doesn’t have kids. I probably would have let Max watch shows on my phone for the majority of our visit so I could have “my time” with my friend. Max would have liked that but it wouldn’t have been that great of a day. So looking at all of the green snot pouring out of Max I cancelled on my friend. And we had the best last day on Wednesday. We read books and highlights magazine on the couch. Laid out in the sun on the deck and read more and just played. Max wasn’t feeling good and said his tummy hurt and he had a fever. So we gave him ibuprofen and he asked to have a sink bath eat popsicles and watch shows and we let him. I gave him his epilepsy medication before bed time and I checked his temperature and it was back to normal. my husband Kelly gave him Motrin before bed to keep his temperature just in case. I did his bed time routine with him like I usually do. Max picked out three books and they were long ones. I usually bargain with him and ask him to trade a long one for a short one. But Wednesday night I didn’t. I read three long books and he laid his head on my shoulder and I gave him a kiss on his forehead. He was so tired that I told him that he could just lay down after the third book and then I started to sing him his songs that I usually do – Jesus loves the little children, Jesus loves me, This little light of mine, You are my Sunshine and Mr. Sun by Raffi. He was asleep before I finished Jesus loves me. So I quietly left his room.
The medical examiner told us that Max didn’t have any infections, she is still going to check for viruses, further study his brain. The medical examiner did say that his brain was enlarged and swollen. I have peace in that because I wouldn’t have been able to tell that! And to me it doesn’t matter what caused Max’s death because it won’t bring him back. I have no regrets with anything in raising him. At Max’s last appointment at Children’s his neurologist said he was the healthiest kid she’d ever seen. We were able to meet with her yesterday and thank her for taking such good care Max. She was completely confused as to what happened. And as a pediatric neurologist that lady is smart. It was so nice to give her a great big bear hug and reminisce about Max and what a joy he was.
Through Max’s death my husband Kelly and I really know what a supportive community we have. Our house has been filled with family and friends that come and give us hugs and pray with us and talk and laugh about Max and life. I had friends drive down from Bellingham and up from Portland just to give me a hug and pray with me! Thank you to those of you who are praying for us! I
Max loved parties! For Christmas and Easter my husband Kelly and I blew up lots of balloons and put streamers up in our living room to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and resurrection.
I already have a therapist I trust that I will start seeing asap. I’m already on anti depressant and anti anxiety medication.
We only want two kids. My huband Kelly is going to get a vascetemy eventually but hasn’t yet so if its God’s plan we will be able to have another baby. I’m looking forward to having that pure joy and bliss again.
I’ve never been afraid of death for myself and I’m not afraid now. I used to want to live though until I was very old. But now that has changed a little. If I only live until I’m 65 that’s okay because I just want to see my baby. I want him to tell me in his little voice, “Come on Mommy! What are you doing Mommy! Why did you take so long. Mommy I missed you. Come chase me mommy! Come play set go with me mommy. Mommy my tummy’s cold – I need hot cocoa.” I will wait because I have to until I see him again in heaven.
If you would like to be praying for me and us this is what we would like you to pray for: For God’s peace, for God’s comfort, for Kelly and my marriage, for the image of what Max looked like when I found him to be replaced by Christ and for our daughter Molly to not be lost in the shuffle.