My sister’s cat sitting job

So my sister, Kelly has a part time pet sitting job on top of her job of doing HR, payroll accounts receivable and a whole bunch of other stuff. She was telling me about a job she was just assigned when we were hanging out today. She gets emailed about the lovely creatures that she gets to feed, take for walks etc. This email she got today about an ancient cat is hilarious! Your entertainment starts now:

“Here’s the instructions on the 17 year old cat. They have another cat named “Kissy.” The notes say she poops in her litter box and pees on the pee pads in front of it. Lovely! I’m going to be pissed if this cat dies on me. Ugh Love, Kelly
Arthur is very mellow. Doesn’t wander far from kitchen area if at all. Loves being combed, which is also first go to technique if he is seen panting or sluggish. To massage him, just run you fingers gently up his spine when petting him. He will “mrow” if it hurts him at all, as he has some ouchy discs.

To administer pills do as follows: go up behind him on blanket, pet him then stroke his chin, put capsule into far back side of mouth and he should swallow it. Follow up with his 1/2 diurectic pill in glob of food in dish. If it seems the pill is stuck in his throat, just rub a little wet food over his lips/teeth, which should get him salivating to aid! Then follow up with full amount of wet food.

He gets small, even layer of kibble in dish by fridge, wet food is a large glop of pumpkin w/some wet in pile. Leave a ring of water around edge so you can add one spoon of Benefiber 2x/day.

Please comb him twice a day to keep his circulation going.
Backrubs gently twice a day
Monitor his breath in 15 second intervals – 8 beats or less – use timer on stove (hit set, then enter 15 & start) Count how many times he takes a breath before the timer goes off. IF he gets panting, try combing him FIRST, as than many times will calm him. *IF THIS IS HIGHER PLEASE CALL ME IMMEDIATELY – thank you Has congestive heart failure. Had an acupuncture appointment on 6/2/2014″
You’re welcome.