Above are the birth announcements of Max, Molly and Jake. It is so strange to me that Max and Jake weren’t ever on this earth at the same time. It feels like Jake has always been here even though he’s just two months old. It seems like it was so long ago now that Max was here. And then there is Molly in the middle who has known and loved them both. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the right words to really describe how it feels to have your child die. When Max died Molly was nine months old. It was so hard to try and appreciate and love her while my soul ached for Max. Almost every moment of every day was a struggle to not want to die to to go and see my first baby. I wanted to make sure he was really ok. I wanted to make sure he was happy and that if he got cold someone would make sure he had a coat and help him put it on because he couldn’t do that yet. Little mommy things like that. This very intense time period lasted for what felt like an eternity. I think it was just letting up when March rolled around when I would have been planning Max’s fourth birthday. The thoughts that he wasn’t here to turn four hit me so heavily. Its basically indescribable. Max’s birthday is April 30th and the anniversary of his death is May 8th. Those two dates made for an incredibly sorrowful spring for me. I was also pregnant with Jake during that time period. I was full of a lot of intense and complicated emotions. People can tell you that the first anniversaries of a loved one’s death or their first birthday without them is hard but you have no idea until you live it. In my case all of those people were right. With all of that said right now feels so different from then. With Jake here with Molly I have two kids again which feels SO good. Its like my family is complete and yet it will never be here on earth again. Only with the hope of heaven will I ever be united with all of my children again. Max is still gone but the sadness isn’t as intense as it has been. I am curious how this spring will be. We have plans to get out of town and try to have fun during those hard dates. I might bump up my therapy sessions and Kelly and I will probably start seeing our marriage counselor again sooner rather than later. Well I have dinner to get to so enough of my rambling for now.