“Mommy, why did Max die?”

This afternoon Molly (3 1/2) had me read her the book, “I’ll love you forever.” I hate reading that book and usually hide it because it causes me to feel sad. Before I read it I told her that it might make me cry because in the story the little boy grows up and the mommy gets old. Just as I thought, I couldn’t finish the book because well, I just couldn’t. Molly didn’t seem to mind and moved on to something else.
Later Molly asked me, “Mommy, why did Max die?” This is the conversation that followed, “Well, something in Max’s brain didn’t work properly. He went to sleep and something went wrong with his brain and he stopped breathing and died.”
Molly replied, “Could he go to the doctor or dentist?”
Me: “Max had gone to the doctor and the dentist but they could not fix Max’s brain so he died and his soul went to heaven where Jesus is.”
Molly: “Oh.”
Me: Daddy and I were very sad and we cried and cried because we missed Max. But we were so happy that we had you. You were a baby when Max died.”
Molly: I remember Max.
Me: You do?
Molly sadly: No, I don’t.
Molly: I’m not going to die.
Me: Well, actually you will die one day. But probably when you are very old. Then you will go to heaven and Max will be there. He will say, “Molly! I missed you! I’m so glad you’re here! Let’s play!” Everyone will die one day and we can go to heaven.
Molly: Ok, can I watch Elmo now?”
Me: Yes.

Easter 2016

I’ve always liked Easter. As a girl I liked Easter egg hunts at our church the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter. Then on Easter morning I remember waking up excitedly to see what the Easter bunny (my mom – thanks mom!) had brought me. I loved the shiny green grass with jelly beans hidden in it, fun little toys, books, cassette tapes. As an adult Easter grew in meaning that Jesus really did die as an atoning sacrifice for everyone’s sin, past, present and future. I was in involved in Bible studies and I prayed. However its like my faith in what God really did for me, for you, for all of us didn’t hold the weight that it does now that Max is in heaven with Jesus. Having someone I desperately love and miss in an aching way gives God’s plan so much more weight and importance beyond measure. I remember at Max’s dedication getting choked up realizing that he was really on loan to us, that he was a gift from God and that we were chosen to be his parents – that we got to have him and how special that was. But I never thought that God would allow him to leave us when he was three years and 7 days old to go be with Jesus. So Easter is a big deal.

Jesus Christ Is Risen Today

By: Latin carol, 14th cent.

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia!
Our triumphant holy day, Alleluia!
Who did once upon the cross, Alleluia!
Suffer to redeem our loss. Alleluia!

Hymns of praise then let us sing, Alleluia!
Unto Christ, our heavenly king, Alleluia!
Who endured the cross and grave, Alleluia!
Sinners to redeem and save. Alleluia!

But the pains which he endured, Alleluia!
Our salvation have procured; Alleluia!
Now above the sky he’s king, Alleluia!
Where the angels ever sing. Alleluia!

Sing we to our God above, Alleluia!
Praise eternal as his love; Alleluia!
Praise him, all you heavenly host, Alleluia!
Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Alleluia!

Hymn # 127 from Lutheran Worship
Author: Lyra Davidica
Tune: Easter Hymn
1st Published in: 1708


Jake is four-months-old!


Look at those red eyebrows! His eyelashes are red too. And those cheeks – I kiss them as much as possible. The poor kid will probably loath physical contact later in life!


Molly really likes to be in Jake’s monthly pictures. Jake is growing up and becoming more fun. He’s super smiley and has some tickle spots that he’ll giggle like crazy if tickled just right. He likes to be held facing out to see what we’re all up to. I wear him in our front pack as well. As far as a schedule some time there are some days in a row where he’s consistent with napping. However just when I think I’ve got him figured out he changes things up.  He likes to watch Molly and take baths with her. I liked how Max and Molly took baths and how she would watch him play. I’m glad that Jake can watch Molly and eventually they’ll play together.




All thumbs

We have a thumb sucker on our hands. Neither Max or Molly sucked their thumbs. I’m glad Jake is able to entertain/sooth himself by sucking his thumb! Now he just needs to get better at it!

My three babies

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Above are the birth announcements of Max, Molly and Jake. It is so strange to me that Max and Jake weren’t ever on this earth at the same time. It feels like Jake has always been here even though he’s just two months old. It seems like it was so long ago now that Max was here. And then there is Molly in the middle who has known and loved them both. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the right words to really describe how it feels to have your child die. When Max died Molly was nine months old. It was so hard to try and appreciate and love her while my soul ached for Max. Almost every moment of every day was a struggle to not want to die to to go and see my first baby. I wanted to make sure he was really ok. I wanted to make sure he was happy and that if he got cold someone would make sure he had a coat and help him put it on because he couldn’t do that yet. Little mommy things like that. This very intense time period lasted for what felt like an eternity. I think it was just letting up when March rolled around when I would have been planning Max’s fourth birthday. The thoughts that he wasn’t here to turn four hit me so heavily. Its basically indescribable. Max’s birthday is April 30th and the anniversary of his death is May 8th. Those two dates made for an incredibly sorrowful spring for me. I was also pregnant with Jake during that time period. I was full of a lot of intense and complicated emotions. People can tell you that the first anniversaries of a loved one’s death or their first birthday without them is hard but you have no idea until you live it. In my case all of those people were right. With all of that said right now feels so different from then. With Jake here with Molly I have two kids again which feels SO good. Its like my family is complete and yet it will never be here on earth again. Only with the hope of heaven will I ever be united with all of my children again. Max is still gone but the sadness isn’t as intense as it has been. I am curious how this spring will be. We have plans to get out of town and try to have fun during those hard dates. I might bump up my therapy sessions and Kelly and I will probably start seeing our marriage counselor again sooner rather than later. Well I have dinner to get to so enough of my rambling for now.

Welcome Jake!

Jake was born this past November and will be 10 weeks old tomorrow! He is a wonderful addition to our family. We are all getting used to having a toddler and a baby again.

Jake final

My friend Jennifer made Jake’s birth announcement just like she made Max and Molly’s. Jen Finch took the photos of Jake like she did with Max and Molly as well.

Jake’s big sister, Molly is very sweet with him and can even put his pacifier back in for him! She likes to give him “a kiss and a snuggle.” When Jake cries Molly is quick to offer suggestions on what he needs such as mommy milk or his pacifier. And Jake loves his paci – woo hoo!

Jake reminds me a bit of his big brother, Max when he was a baby in that he’s kind of cranky and a normal sleeper for an infant. This means he eats every two to four hours (its usually every two though). Molly was the opposite and slept a ton! I looked at Molly’s baby book and saw that she was sleeping through the night at four weeks! I was super spoiled by her.

Some things that make Jake unique so far is his red hair! Jake is also very noisy. He gunts and just makes noises all the time. He’s even been known to snore quite loudly. Unfortunately Jake spits up more than his older siblings.

I am looking forward to finding out more of who Jake is.







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Here are some photos that Kelly and I have taken lately.



molly holding jake good camera




I don’t know how to make this picture upright. Grrr.




Molly got into some markers the day before this because she wanted, “to decorate me for Christmas!”




Look at those red eye brows! He’s wearing my favorite cozy outfit from Kelly’s great Aunt Patty.





Jake didn’t grab this toy from my friend Hillary. I may have posed him.




Hmm, I think I look a wee bit tired and kinda old… funny how those things start to happen.



What Addie said

My dear cousin Michelle has a four-year-old, Addie and two-year-old twins, Jonah and Cora. They live in Portland so we don’t see them as often as any of us would like but we email, call each other and visit occasionally. When we did get together Max and Addie had a BLAST together. Michelle and I had so much fun watching them play. I loved that she and I used to play together and now our kids were playing together. It was beautiful. Here’s what Michelle emailed me about a conversation she and Addie had.

This is a dialog between Addie and I tonight when we took the kids outside to see a beautiful rainbow.

Me: “rainbows are one of the most beautiful things God makes”

Addie: (pauses deep in thought and looks up at me) “so Max helps Him make them then??”

Me: “yes he does my love” (with tears in my eyes)

Wow that kids gets me sometimes.  In case you ever wonder we still talk about Max a lot.



Addie and Max playing

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Max loved Addie’s dog Maya. He would always say “hi” to her when we would come to visit first. Then warm up to everyone else.


addie 1They are screaming here at the top of their lungs!

addie 2

addie 3

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addie 5

addie 6

addie 7

California 2014

Kelly, Molly and I all got to fly down to Pasadena for a whole week this month! Kelly got to work and Molly and I got to play 😉 We got to stay at the fancy pants Embassy Suites where they make you breakfast and Molly had her own room to sleep in. Oh yeah – we’re first class like that 😉 Thank you Kelly’s work for the hotel! After dropping Kelly off at work in our rockin’ Chrystler mini van Molly and I did some of the following activities throughout the week: went to Target, found where the Rose Bowl is located, wrote postcards, went on a tour of where Kelly was working, drove an hour to the Santa Monica Pier and played in the sand and waves. She LOVED the waves! Kelly didn’t have to work on Friday so the three of us went back to the Santa Monica Pier as a family. Molly did pretty well on both flights. I also saw one celebrity! You are going to be so excited! Alex Trebek! I saw him at the Bob Hope Airport with his wife.


Pre-flight baby calesthetics.photo-16

Sharing a smoothie with Daddy. photo-19


I grabbed four straws from Starbucks and they kept her more entertained than any other toy. Score. photo-21

Getting tired…photo-22

More tired…photo-23

Finally crashed.photo-24

Both babies slept on the plane. I enjoyed my magazine.



Molly had a great time playing in the sand. photo-27

This is my favorite picture of her with the ferris wheel and pier behind her. Plus she’s not digging with a shovel she’s using a Menchie’s spoon that I happened to bring 😉


Me and my girl. A very nice lady took a picture of us. Molly was very social on the beach and loved to crawl up to people sunbathing on their towels. Good thing she’s cute. She was a great conversation starter actually.


Daddy and Molly (my favorite pic of them from the trip 🙂


This chick loved the waves!photo-36

Molly would giggle each time a wave crashed against her. It was the cutest thing!photo-39

It was just like Baywatch…but not really. photo-40

Fueling up!


On the flight back Molly figured out what the tray tables are really for – spying on and touching the heads of the people in front of you of course!